Being pregnant, wasn’t hard for me. Hiding being pregnant, conveniently, also wasn’t hard for me. I didn’t get sick and I barely grew out of my clothes.
I just carried on with my life like that whirlwind romance didn’t happen, like I hadn’t just had my heart shattered by a man who was now a ghost of a memory.
I moved away from home for a little while, but that didn’t last long.
Life just kept moving. I might’ve been pregnant, but I was never having a baby – that’s just not how my life went. The smart, responsible baby of the family, who was destined for success was NOT having a baby.
Once I got close to the end of my pregnancy, I started to show a little more. I still managed to hide it pretty well, most people had thought I’d just put on some weight. My family were the most concerned, but I guess if they had ever thought I was pregnant, they pushed the thought away pretty quickly, because of course if I was, I’d have told them.
At 40 weeks pregnant, I was very swollen. My Mum said to me “Honey, your legs are so swollen, it looks like you have toxaemia!” I told her I’d been on my feet for 8 hours at work, of course, they were swollen.
I believed that you know. I wasn’t trying to lie to my Mum. I didn’t even know what toxaemia was. I didn’t know it had anything to do with pregnancy. I had a long day at work, lots of people get swollen feet.
My Mum saw the signs, in retrospect but, again, if I was pregnant, I would’ve told her. It had to be something else.
Now, I should add, that I wasn’t a child who got sick very often, and then when I did get sick, I had to feel like I was dying before I’d complain about it. I never went to the doctor, and I always brushed off my Mum when she’d fuss over my health. “I’M FINE.” Sorry, Mum, I wasn’t fine, physically or mentally.
I was in a deep pit of denial, that I had no idea I was in. I knew I was pregnant, my body was changing, but I WASN’T HAVING A BABY. This alien, it was just going to go away.
That very unhealthy, illogical mindset, didn’t change, until the day that baby decided that it wasn’t going away, it was coming into this world, whether I liked it or not.
For Part 3 of this story pick up Gladstone News Issue 76 from August 10th and to submit your own progressive story email us at firstname.lastname@example.org